voice

I have always struggled with my relationship
with my own voice.

It is loud and deeper than other,
more feminine,
voices.

I have a tendency to talk,
let's say,
'alongside'
someone.
(when I talk at all, that is)

I have been told for years
that I needed to wait in line to speak.
and I get frustrated with myself
that somehow
I cannot.

And I am always acting like I am fighting to be heard -
I should feel guilt about that.

I do.

But does he?
Him?
What about the man that interrupted you, yesterday?
Did they realize that there was a thought,
there, in your mouth,
when they opened theirs?

I don't want to feel guilt, anymore,
about inserting myself over
(alongside)
people who feel no guilt about asserting themselves
over me.

aggressively antisocial

someone called you
"aggressively antisocial"
today.

Aggressive
and
Antisocial.

Two words I would never use
to describe you.

nothing about you is aggressive
in fact
if you were a sentence
I'm sure you would be written
in the passive voice

you said half a thought today
because someone interrupted you
and you did not try to finish it.

you are not antisocial
"have you gotten more than three words out of him?"
I wanted to say
Yes!
several more, in fact, some quite large -
and you would know, if you had asked him
anything, at all.

you do not compete for airtime
which is just fine
to someone who is not interested in
making our conversation
a competition.

that poem and A Second Gloss on Elizabeth Brewster

i was listening to

that podcast

and they threw back to

that show

that we listened to 

when we were driving 

back from 

that place 

one night. 

and it made me 

suddenly aware

of exactly how many things

can make me think of you. 

-----------------

I am writing now

To pass the time

While I am waiting for you to telephone.

- Elizabeth Brewster

earlier i was in the bath

and i thought of you. 

i didn't text you about it

so instead 

I am writing now

it's to early to sleep 

but I spent all my 

self care

on that bath.

what else will I do

To pass the time

putting the words down comforts me. 

i have always liked the deliberation

this word changed

that line switched

three times 

back

just to occupy the parts of me that obsess

so i can pace around something other than my living room

While I am waiting for you to telephone.